Saturday, August 27, 2005

World O'Crap: Freakin' hilarious, scary as hell, too

The Ultimate Wingnut Religious Book?

Today's sermon is taken from The Three Blessings, a book by devout Unificationist (Moonie) John Godwin (pen name). Godwin quotes Rev. Moon (Father) extensively, and therefore his book contains too much nuttiness for the human mind to comprehend. So, we'll just skim it briefly, and pick out a few representative passages from each chapter.

The first section of the book deals with "the ten core values," which are "10 commandments for every Unificationist in every country of the world."

The Ten Core Values are: 100% Purity, 100% Discipline, 100% Modesty, 100% Patriarchy, 100% Provide, 100% Protect, 100% Lineage, 100% Decentralize, 100% Homeschool, and 100% Homechurch.



Chapter 1 -- 100% PURITY

Not only should you refrain from ever being alone with someone of the opposite sex, you shouldn't even shake hands with anyone you're not married to.

Unificationists do not date other Unificationists or outside people or spend time alone with those of the opposite sex. There is to be absolutely no physical contact between single men and women in or out of our movement. They do not shake hands if they can get out of it. [...]

Father tells unmarried men and women not to shake hands if possible because the electricity of love flows through holding hands. The spark of love cuts a wound in the mind of the other person. The wound made by love cannot be healed with any medicine in this world.


In the Unification Church, we tell young boys and girls to not even shake hands. We must know that Satan is always spying on us and that this is the way Satan takes revenge.

Yes, shaking hands can cause you grave physical injury, because of all that love electicity. That's Satan's revenge.

And, as Father says, sex was the original sin: that is, sex between Eve and Satan, whose penis looked like a snake. Here's Father:

The Bible also depicts the archangel [Satan] symbolically, as a serpent. Why is that? [...]

A man's reproductive organ is shaped like the head of a poisonous snake. It is always looking for a hole to slither into. A woman's reproductive organ is concave, like the wide-open mouth of a poisonous snake with fangs. Once this snake bites, poison quickly spreads through the body, bringing eternal death.

So, sex is when the head of a poisonous snake slithers into the wide-open mouth of a poisonous snake with fangs. Therefore, making love is basically one of the scarier stunts from "Fear Factor."

Now, on to the story of how Eve tempted Satan by sitting on his lap while she was naked.

Lucifer was attracted to naked Eve. You must resist this temptation. [...]

As Eve's body was maturing, suddenly the archangel approached her with an evil intent in his heart. Sometimes Eve would sit in the lap of the archangel and their sexual organs would be quite close to one another. [...]

As a young, strong man, ask yourself, if you were in that situation with a pretty naked woman sitting on your lap, don't you think that you would experience the same temptation? (Yes.) As a man, in order to fulfill restoration through indemnity, no matter if a beautiful naked woman is in front of you touching your body, your love organ should not become erect. Rather, it should remain almost as if it were dead, without feeling. That is the action for indemnity.

Unless your dick can remain limp even with a pretty naked woman sitting on your lap, you are not giving Father 100% purity.


Click for remaining chapters; prepare for your ribs to hurt

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